Breaking the chain of violence

“Anguish and mental turmoil are not uniquely Russian, or Kenyan, or Chinese,
or Salvadoran, or American.  The conditions vary, but everywhere there is
the pain of human suffering and discontent.  Dhamma (the Buddhist way)
offers a path of release open to all.  Will everyone then someday practice
the meditation technique taught by the Buddha?  Not likely.  You may prefer
a different way.  But, please, find a way. 

Find a way beyond the continuous chain reaction of craving, jealousy, ill
will, indifference, fear, and anxiety that fills the mind.  Find a way that
dissolves the deeply ingrained patterns of negative, distrustful behavior
caused by past cruelty and disappointment.  Find a way that demonstrates to
you that ill will and greed are damaging to your psyche.  Find a way that
grounds your deeds in wisdom, equanimity, compassion, and lovingkindness.
Find a way that reveals to you the joy of our profound unity, the subtle
interrelatedness of you and every being, every manifestation of the
unfolding universe.  Find a way that will continually deepen your
understanding of that knowledge.  Then we could build a community without
hypocrisy.  Then we would have a chance.”

Charlene Spretnak
States of Grace


I am marking an anniversary: two years ago this week, I was attacked at
work.  As I walked down a hallway, a man I had supervised for 15 years came
up, glassy-eyed, and without saying a word punched me several times.  He
broke my nose, damaged my vision, and bruised my body. 

After the attack, things got worse instead of better, for several reasons. 

The attack dredged up vivid memories of physical and emotional violence I
experienced as a child.  After years of counseling and Al-Anon meetings, I
thought I had mostly worked through the abuse, but this attack brought back
all those previous attacks in an incredibly powerful way.  I was flooded
with sweaty flashbacks, feelings of shame, and hair trigger responses.

Second, my family has never dealt with our history of violence and wasn’t
able to deal with the attack in a way that met my need for support. 

Third, the attacker never apologized.  Instead, he filed charges against me.
It took 1½ years before the charges were dismissed.

Finally, at work there have been people who said I must have done something
to set the attacker off, and blamed me.  When kids are beaten, they always
conclude it is their fault.  To again be blamed for being attacked was
agonizing.  I had to tell myself repeatedly that I could have been the worst
boss in the world and still didn’t deserve to be beaten.  I had to keep
saying the beating had to do with the attacker, not with me.  I told myself
that people who do not want to get in touch with how vulnerable we all are
may choose instead to blame the victim. 

I felt frightened by the violence, disappointed that some people weren’t
there for me, angry that I was unfairly accused, frustrated that I can’t
give my side of the story to everyone who heard about the attack,
overwhelmed, and worried that I couldn’t bear it all.

Things got better when I focused on what I can do.  Things got better when I
focused on breaking the chain of violence. 

When I was a teenager, I shuddered when I first read that abused kids often
become abusers.  What a tragedy that each generation adds a link in a chain
of violence.  I did not want to do that.  Similarly, I did not want to come
out of this attack swinging. 

As the opening quote says, I want to find a way beyond the continuous chain
reaction of negativity.  I want to dissolve the deeply ingrained patterns of
negative, distrustful behavior caused by past cruelty and disappointment.  I
want to find a way to get past the pain and transform it into something
good. 

We are all connected in an interdependent web of life.  What one person does
in one part of the web affects other parts.  I feel comforted and empowered
by the idea that if I can break the chain of violence in my life, if I can
manage to not take my pain out on others, if I can transform my pain into
something positive—justice, compassion, understanding, or connection—I
contribute to peace in the world.  Because we are all connected, small acts
can be large.  I celebrate that redemptive possibility.

Reader, this is true for you, too.  Whoever you are, one way or the other,
life will break your heart, and the challenge is to not break someone else’s
in a negative chain reaction.  Let’s not pass the pain along.  If we can let
our heart break and not lash out, if we can live broken-open-hearted, if we
can make room for our pain, if our heart can become larger and more able to
hold both our suffering and that of others, we bring peace to the world.  We
can overcome the violence and turn it into positive power.  Something good
can come out of something awful.

As the opening quote suggested, there are different ways to absorb and
transform pain.  In another helpful book, Pay Attention for Goodness’ Sake,
Sylvia Boorstein writes about a way called a lovingkindness meditation.  The
idea is to offer well wishes and lovingkindness to yourself. After all, she
says, “There is no person in the world who is more worthy of your
well-wishing than you.”

There are standard meditation lines, but she suggests people write one that
is more particularly suited to them.  She shares the one she wrote for
herself:

May I feel protected and safe
May I be contented and pleased
May my body be filled with strength
May my life unfold smoothly with ease

You say it to yourself, over and over.  It helps you to calm and ground
yourself.  At some point, and there is no rush to do this, you may feel the
desire to wish for others what you wish for yourself.  You can change the
“I” to “you,” and widen your circle to your loved ones.  You can widen the
circle again to include friends, then neutral acquaintances, strangers, and
finally the people you find challenging.

May you feel protected and safe
May you be contented and pleased
May your body be filled with strength
May your life unfold smoothly with ease

If you can pause throughout the day, particularly when you are in pain, and
direct your energy away from harm and toward something positive, you are
creating peace.  When you widen the circle of care from yourself to others,
you are building peace. 

I’ve been working on a meditation for myself:

May I be comfortable in my body
May I love and be loved
May I transform my pain into compassion, justice, and higher consciousness
May I experience the joy of a clear mind and open heart

I wish it for myself, and when I widen the circle, I wish it for all people
who are suffering, and hope they can transform their pain.  If you are in
pain, I wish it for you. 

May you be comfortable in your body
May you love and be loved
May you transform your pain into compassion, justice, and higher
consciousness
May you experience the joy of a clear mind and open heart



By Anonymous